Kaizer Watches: Pokemanz [Episode 1]

[Lucrum]

He wants to be the very best. Like no one ever was.

Welcome to the world of Pokemon, or, more appropriately in this day and age, I should say if you haven't been here before you're only like four years old and need to get off the internet right now. I mean it, this place will rot your soul, kids.

We'll snatch you up just like Zubat- Wait a minute, how the fuck is he holding Squirtle?

Anyway, as I was starting with this faux-narrative, this is the world of Pokemon. Kids and adults alike trap little critters inside tiny metal orbs called "Pokeballs," and force them to fight each other to the death until they faint. It's as simple as that. Sure, there's some shit about the Indigo League or whatever, but who gives a Rattata's ass? LET'S GET POKEMONING IT UP IN KANTO.

Dramatic 80's action movie close ups and everything.

This kid's name is Ash Ketchum. He starts his Pokemon adventure tomorrow because he's finally ten years old, but because of some whacked out, possibly cocaine-induced, dream, he breaks his alarm clock and can't wake up in time. Who hasn't had this happen to them after a nightlong party with drugs and bitches?

Apparently not Gary Motherfucking Oak.

Not even getting into how to justify a, once again in bold, ten year old being able to adventure out into a dangerous world, Ash gets his first Pokemon. Most kids get to start with a Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle. Because this baseball cap wearing dweeb got to Professor Oak's lab late, however, he was forced into making friends with an electric rodent that hates him. AKA: Pikachu.

Is my point about ten year olds getting through yet?

Taking his brand new Pokemon, Pokedex, Pokeballs, Pokewatch, Pokebrella, Pokebelt, Pokebriefcase, Pokeshoes, Ash sets off on his adventure. Of course, he tells his mom goodbye, but she was conveniently outside and nestling Pikachu between her breasts so we can skip that part. The first step in his journey should obviously be to go get Oak's Parcel, right? Just like in the games? Yeah?

Wrong.

Crossing "Get attacked by birds because I'm an idiot" off of his to-do list, Ash finally gets away from the flock of pissed off Spearow on his tail by jumping into a river. Swimming deftly (and by deftly I mean "also like an idiot") downstream, he finally gets fished up by some red-headed broad in suspenders. Like most raging feminazis would be, she's more worried about the yellow demon mouse than the human being.

"THAT BOY HAS A POKEMON. DAMMIT, NOW I HAVE TO HELP HIM."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Red-headed feminist moving into position. She could be a hostile, you aren't sure, but you do know one thing. She screams. She screams and it hurts your ears. There's only one course of action when something so dire falls into your lap.

Steal the bitch's bike.

A clean getaway is made, and he's off to the nearest Pokemon Center. However, there's one thing Ash didn't know about Spearow. They never give up. They are the unholy abomination sent forth onto the world by Lucifer himself, and nothing will stop them from killing those who have wronged them.

They're coming for your blood. And your bread crumbs.

Fallen, beaten, broken, down in the mud because it conveniently started raining to add to the dramatics, Ash has nowhere to turn. Pikachu is gravely injured, all is bleak. Except for the fact that Pikachu is apparently still well enough to thunderbolt their asses out of the sky.

If this was a GIF, you'd be having a seizure right now.

Bike destroyed, Ash walks the rest of the way to town, but not before seeing some mysterious bird Pokemon fly its mohawked ass over the rainbow. Dexter, his Pokedex, tells him that some Pokemon have yet to be discovered.

SPOILER WARNING:

I would end this just as horribly as I've transcribed the rest of the episode, but I think the actual narrator can do it best:

"This is just the beginning of the amazing adventures of Ash and Pikachu. Their journey is destined to be packed with nonstop action, millions of laughs, heart-pounding perils, and endless excitement. Together they'll encounter fantastic friends, evil enemies, and meet creatures beyond their wildest imagination. And as their story unfolds, we'll unlock the magic and mystery of a most wondrous place. The incredible world of Pokemon!"

Pff. Yeah. Right.